Day and Night

I cannot trust Pandora.

I need my playlist.

I need to hear the comforting songs play over and over again.

When things are as overwhelming as they are.

I need something trustworthy.

And if Pandora plays adele one more time. I might scream.

I rewatch episodes of psych on purpose. Because I know how they will end and it settles me.

I am so far beyond this place.

There is nowhere to go from here.

I am under no facade of seamless perfection.

But there is nowhere to go from  here.

I am worn out.

frustrated.

I am spent.

Your mercies are new every morning.

But instead of living daily.

I am set in stone. Replaying the same two hours over..and over again.

And dawn never breaks.

So I’m up late.

After watching my 3rd episode of Psych I’m wondering if I should call it quits.

I keep laughing out loud and my sister in this bed beside me keeps nudging me with her knee. I wonder if it’s by accident.

I’m pretty much the only one awake in my house.

My house. Although I call it my house. it isn’t.

Today Darren told me he thought I was a good writer. Asked me if I wanted to write books.

Sure. I told him. I’ve always wanted to.

But I can never finish a story. Never.

I love writing though. Anything. A sentence. A paper. A notepad full of gibberish.

Where grammar ceases to exist. And I can punctuate, and add as many, comma’s as I want to and no one, will complain. 

I do, like comma’s .

He introduced the idea to me of writing an unfinished story. I like that idea a lot.

I like it a lot. 

Ever have the feeling that you are on the brink of something great?

I have that feeling.

I often have that feeling.

I went to an Open Gym on Friday.

The kind where I pretended that I hadn’t quit practicing and competing 4 years ago.

I did manage a few backflips though. And nobody died.

I had that. Feeling of being.

Horribly out of shape. Or maybe that wasn’t a feeling.

I guess it was more of a sad reality.

But my mind. My mind I will continue to sharpen. 

My pencil I will continue to sharpen

My notebook I will continue to open.

And I will continue to type

Until I am satisfied.

And so I will always.

Write.

This was my description of myself via Facebook from a little while back.. wasn’t I an interesting gal ? =]

::capture the flag

::football

::muddy sports

::pani & traveling

::candy hunts

::freeze tag

::anything in the snow

::anything in the rain

::anything in the sun

::anything with love

::hide-n-seek in the dark

::water balloon fights

::chhyyeeahhh suckaaa!! lol

OooOoo.

Interests:

mmm GodLove…imagination..making music ..tears.. people..my family..sunshine..heaven..fixing broken things “kindred spirits”..sunrises &sunset.. silly songs with larry (the part of the show where larry comes out and sings a silly song ♥ ) stars..learning.. old houses..the smell of “clean” being there…observing intriguing people {nice way of stalking the cool ppll =) } laughter..& memories..the rain..& the word*asterisk* like putting glue all o ver my hands and peeling it off..never gets old; ) my sisters & my brothers. being by myself..looking out of airplane windows..i guess i’m interested in everything..cept for math…math kinda sucks a bit :p

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Favorite Books:

my bible

Favorite Quotations:

-“Being confident of this very thing,

that He who began a good work in you

will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

-Philippians 1:6-

-Janelle Grace & Olivia Michelle -

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

About Me:

me? I don’t understand anything.

yet i know why.

i do not love emotions.

yet i cry.

i can not tell up from down

.and yet i stand.

none of me makes sense.

and yet i know who i am.

I know nothing.

yet i know the most important thing of all

.the world shakes.

yet it is you who holds it.

the tears overflow.

yet i do not drown.i

am the problem

.and yet i have the answer.

i have nothing.

only everything i need.

i am alone.

but surrounded by angels.

i am lost.

i am lost.

yet i know.i

know.

whose i am…

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

sooo he says it better :)

“Sometimes i fall and sometimes i stand.

.but because i know God i know who I am”

DarrenLoveJackson

‘So to keep me from being conceited because of the supposing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited..’

For now we see as in a mirror dimly, but then we will see face to face.

For when I am weak I am strong.

‘Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me, but he said to me

‘My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.’

The gospel goal is not my immediate ease. Its goal is my being in love with Christ and so passionate about his glory that when my suffering can highlight his worth I will bear it gladly.-John Piper

‘Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with my weakness, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities. ‘

For when I am weak, then I am strong

Faith has tasted the glory of God in Christ and treasures it enough that the fulness of it is worth waiting for.. and suffering for.-John P

For now we see in a mirror dimly.. but then we will see face to face.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His power is made perfect in weakness

His grace is sufficient for me.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My life. for the furthering of your kingdomw

My life. your glory

My life, lived for your glory.

Your power is made perfect in weakness

Your power made perfect in weakness.

II Corinthians 12:7-10

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

In you I am strong.

Last week I watched a movie called Sarah’s Key. I had some major questions about the French “Roundup ” of their own people. It was a persecution of the Jewish people, and I wanted to know several things..

I explored the contrast between Christians persecuted for their faith in Jesus, and the holocaust of the Jews.. (which is another post altogether)

I also had these questions..

Does God have a preference for Jews?

What was his plan for his people?

Had he abandoned them?

Are the Jews still his people?

Are they as any other people who don’t believe in Jesus?

What part do they play in his plan?

Needless to say, these were questions worth answering.. at least, asking.

In convesation, Darren asked me about my quiet time. Which had consisted of reflections on my questions. He asked me if I’d gotten my answers. I hadn’t.

He told me truthfully that he didn’t have all of the answers.. but that he knew God did.. he prayed for us, that God would give us wisdom.. and proceeded to open the bible to Romans.. and over the next few hours„ read to me the whole book..READ TO ME THE WHOLE BOOK..Stopping after every chapter and explaining things to me, asking me if I understood, and showing me how all of my questions were answered and addressed.. This is a beautiful thing. It is a WONDERFUL thing..

Not just that somehow, 2,000 years later, this guy.. this apostle of Jesus named Paul was answering my very questions, but also that.. I have a man who does things like this for me.. Who sees my questions about God as important…Important enough to plow through and answer. And hot dog!… that is amazing

I don’t dare overlook and under appreciate the good things..

And this my friends, is a very, very good thing.

” So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for and eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

From God is the Gospel.. [paraphrased & my notes added ]

As we behold the glory of Christ in the gospel, and savor his purity..

we see people no longer according to the flesh[so.. without selfish desires, without being caught up in petty things, arguments, selfishness, defensiveness, greed, rivalry, strife..lust, impatience..]  (2 Cor 5:16) [Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation] but with a love that endures all things.

-We will despair of no one, because in spite of human depravity “with God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26)

-We will see culture no longer merely with eyes of seduction or despair, but with eyes of hope.

We serve a God who heals and rescues and restores. And as we turn our hearts toward him, he is continually changing us..